The dark twisted world that is lunch.

We are training for a half marathon and have slacked off significantly the last two weeks. Blame weather, health, the moon- either way our runs are difficult to crank out when we each spend about ten hours a day at work.

I prefer the wind blowing through my now boy short hair. Matthew prefers pungent smell of arm pits and farts at the gym. Tomato. Towmawtoe.

And so began, at lunch today, the great debate over where we should run tonight. We agreed we would run outside- but we simply could not decide on a location.

Matt: “okay so we’re running at Brack?”

Me: “No, the river walk.”

Matt: “We are not running their it’s dangerous.”

Me: “No, it’s not!!!”

Matt: “Okay when you end up in the hospital with rabies, I’m going to tell you ‘see it is dangerous!'”

Me: “Are you kidding me?!? Brack is full of pimps and hoes! I could end up being abducted and sold into the sex slave industry. You better start watching Taken!”

Matt: “Okay Sweat Pea, well we’ll see what happens when Big C, your pimp abducts you from the river walk!”

Me: “Sweet pea?!? That’s not my sex slave name!”

Matt: ” Big C can call you whatever he wants. And wait a second! What about me, you’re not worried that I might get abducted and sold as a sex slave. I’m pretty!”

Me: “you’re not the right kind of pretty.”

Matt: ” So I’m not pretty!?!”

Me: ” Baby, your soooo handsome! You’re beautiful but you’re not sex slave material. I’m sorry.”

Matt: ” Fine. If I wasn’t here. Where would you go running tonight.”

Me: ” Why would you not be here?”

Matt: ” I died.”

Me: “I’d be devastated, not running!”

Matt: ” Fine, it’s been two months since I died. Where would you run?”

Me: ” You think my heart would be healed in two months! No way!!!”

Matt: ” Okay, it’s been a year, you’re doing fine. Where would you running?”

Me: “I guess that would depend on where Channing [Tatum] wants to go.”

Matt: ” Really?!?”

Me: 😉

Not at the dinner table.

I have grown (not physically sideways) so much since my last post: I ended a bad relationship (with my cell phone provider), became a hip phone user, learned how to use cute emoticons on said phone, opened up my curiosity of colon cleansing-more on that later and fall in love with my husband for like the fiftieth time this week.

I’ve had this crappy samsung galaxy phone for like a decade (two years- okay Matthew, I’m dramatic) and its suck level has increased more and more each month that it has been in my possession.  About a month ago the battery kept dying till I realized that my phone could no longer function without being plugged in.  Yes- so not only did I have a crick in my neck for the last month but I lived in fear that my ear might catch fire. 

But this weekend I said, ‘Basta!’ Enough is Enough! No mas! I refused to spend another day tethered to a wall. Matthew has often made comments about me becoming an iphone user.  He definitely thinks I’m much cooler than I am- because eight grade braces wearing, chubby, Denise still exists inside much older not so self conscience, still chubby thirty three version of myself.  I have not felt cool enough or committed enough to own an iphone. Secretly, I have been dying to conform and hold that cute piece of madness in my hands. So I broke down and purchased a one- the newest one (go big or go home). And I manually entered all my contacts into the phone. Most people save all their numbers to their sim card- I don’t.  Saving to the sim card is exclusively for people that I know will be in my life for good- not just for anyone. 

I will add here that at the time of purchase I ended my relationship with my super awful cell phone company.  Suck it!

Monday, I sent a text to my friend letting her know that I needed to cancel our dinner plans.  She sends me the cutest emoticon- a smiling poop.  Thank you, Chrissy. We continue texting and she sends another cute image.  WTF!  How is this happening?  So I ask her.  Long story short- she walked me through the process and now I can send cute emoticons whenever. Holler!  Bummer- Matthew’s phone is old and can not see ANY of my adorable messages. Ugh!

A week ago, I proposed to Matthew that we no longer look at our phones during lunch.  I might have mentioned before that Matthew and I have lunch almost every day together- even if it’s for twenty minutes.  I noticed that we were spending too much of our lunchtime responding to work texts and emails.  The result- conversations that I never expected to have.  Today we discussed colon cleansing- loud, graphic colon cleansing.  I am sure the restaurant patrons around us did not appreciate this conversation but I could not stop laughing.  I suggested a couple’s colon cleansing- apparently, that’s where we draw the line. Describing bowel movements is okay- have a procedure- not okay.  Geez…

As I drove back to work filled with endorphins- I fell in love with my husband all over again.  Yes, it was a ridiculous conversation, a disgustingly gross conversation but we were talking and laughing and enjoying each others company and our phone’s and the people around us did not exist.  I’ve seen lots of romantic comedies in my time- this is by far the best.

Let’s get shwasted!

I learned a new word at work today, “shwasted.”  This piece of post-modern urban colloquialism is a fusion of the two words: sh#t & wasted.  Thus creating shwasted.  This word from what I gathered (context clues…can I get a what what?!?) refers to getting so drunk that you can not remember anything and quite possibly in that state, acted the fool.

I spent the better half of that conversation trying to find out if that word had been used previously in a Jonah Hill movie.  Anyway…it was exciting to learn something new.  I absolutely can not wait to use it among my adult friends…I will definitely seem ever so cool and hip.