Irritable tear duct syndrome or why I can’t listen to Miranda Lambert. Ever.

We finally moved. After weeks of sleeplessness, sorting, trashing and packing- we finally moved. The move was surprisingly smooth. Too smooth actually…

I’ve lived most of my life in the house I grew up in- for the most part. As an adult and after a failed relationship, in my mid twenties, I moved back in with my parents. At this time they had just purchased a home in a subdivision far far away. When I became engaged (first marriage) I decided to rent our old home from my parents. Never rent from family.

In June, Matthew and I found ourselves looking for a place to live. Some place that we could call our own for a while and completely void of exes.

So what did we do? Get an overly priced apartment near downtown. I have been so busy with packing and organizing that there was no time for anything extra. Not even time to think about saying good bye to my home.

And it’s just like life to slap you across the face…I’m driving and Miranda Lambert’s The House that Built Me comes on the radio. And there I am crying in full little bitch mode. Well played life. Well played.

The girls spent ten hours hiding behind the washer. Drama queens.

Not at the dinner table.

I have grown (not physically sideways) so much since my last post: I ended a bad relationship (with my cell phone provider), became a hip phone user, learned how to use cute emoticons on said phone, opened up my curiosity of colon cleansing-more on that later and fall in love with my husband for like the fiftieth time this week.

I’ve had this crappy samsung galaxy phone for like a decade (two years- okay Matthew, I’m dramatic) and its suck level has increased more and more each month that it has been in my possession.  About a month ago the battery kept dying till I realized that my phone could no longer function without being plugged in.  Yes- so not only did I have a crick in my neck for the last month but I lived in fear that my ear might catch fire. 

But this weekend I said, ‘Basta!’ Enough is Enough! No mas! I refused to spend another day tethered to a wall. Matthew has often made comments about me becoming an iphone user.  He definitely thinks I’m much cooler than I am- because eight grade braces wearing, chubby, Denise still exists inside much older not so self conscience, still chubby thirty three version of myself.  I have not felt cool enough or committed enough to own an iphone. Secretly, I have been dying to conform and hold that cute piece of madness in my hands. So I broke down and purchased a one- the newest one (go big or go home). And I manually entered all my contacts into the phone. Most people save all their numbers to their sim card- I don’t.  Saving to the sim card is exclusively for people that I know will be in my life for good- not just for anyone. 

I will add here that at the time of purchase I ended my relationship with my super awful cell phone company.  Suck it!

Monday, I sent a text to my friend letting her know that I needed to cancel our dinner plans.  She sends me the cutest emoticon- a smiling poop.  Thank you, Chrissy. We continue texting and she sends another cute image.  WTF!  How is this happening?  So I ask her.  Long story short- she walked me through the process and now I can send cute emoticons whenever. Holler!  Bummer- Matthew’s phone is old and can not see ANY of my adorable messages. Ugh!

A week ago, I proposed to Matthew that we no longer look at our phones during lunch.  I might have mentioned before that Matthew and I have lunch almost every day together- even if it’s for twenty minutes.  I noticed that we were spending too much of our lunchtime responding to work texts and emails.  The result- conversations that I never expected to have.  Today we discussed colon cleansing- loud, graphic colon cleansing.  I am sure the restaurant patrons around us did not appreciate this conversation but I could not stop laughing.  I suggested a couple’s colon cleansing- apparently, that’s where we draw the line. Describing bowel movements is okay- have a procedure- not okay.  Geez…

As I drove back to work filled with endorphins- I fell in love with my husband all over again.  Yes, it was a ridiculous conversation, a disgustingly gross conversation but we were talking and laughing and enjoying each others company and our phone’s and the people around us did not exist.  I’ve seen lots of romantic comedies in my time- this is by far the best.

Tapping the will power reserves

Sunday.

Yesterday, in the car, driving home from the gym, Matthew and I, had an endorphin fueled conversation about out workout. Mid-January we made it our goal to make it to the gym at least four times a week.  We exceeded our goal by one day! Holler!!!

Feel badass and riding the waves of awesomeness, we decided to tackle an even bigger challenge: Lent. Dun dun dun.

Matthew says very matter of factly- “you and I have not really tapped our will power reserve.” Challenge accepted.

Traffic lights by traffic light, we began to make a list of things we were determined to live without for the upcoming forty days. Matthew’s list- alcohol, sodas, and one other item that escapes my mind. My list: soda, fried foods and bread.  Oh and we also agreed to make it to church every Sunday during Lent.  Then came the list of threats. Wait…let me take us back to fee days ago.

Matthew attended a training for work in which he learned about SWOT analysis and using threats to achieve desired results. So we have been using this threat system to accomplish things. For example: making it to the gym five times this week was a direct result of us agreeing that if we didn’t, Matthew would not be able to play Halo 4 for a week and I would have zero Greg’s anatomy reruns.

This morning.

At the wee hours of 5:30 a.m as we prepared for our morning trek to the gym, as if we had both been struck by psychic abilities- we remembered the threats.

1. Consuming the crap we decided to give up. For this epic failure of the wills- The Threat: we will be forced to workout at the gym without our ipods.  Yes- we went there. Yes, shit just got real.  For nothing sucks more than not having music to tune out the heavy, sweaty breathers all around you.  Not to mention it makes an hour workout seem like two.

2. Skipping out on Church.  We are by no means holy rollers. In fact, I think we last stepped in to the house of God in November.  I have been feeling like I need more Jesus in my life and I figure if I’m working on my fitness-might as well hit the spiritual fitness as well. What happens if we sleep in and miss mass? Our threat: No Walking Dead for that week.  Yeah…I know, wtf are we thinking but threats are supposed to help us achieve our goals.  I hope this is true.

3.  A few blogs ago, in January, I wrote about trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  I have decided I want to be a writer.  However, I lack discipline…sometimes. My commitment is to write everyday for the next forty days.   Sounds easy enough right? Lord, I hope so.  My threat: Deactivate Facebook for a week. Yes, we just went from sane straight into cray cray land.

As I write this, on the eve of Lent…er Fat Tuesday, I can not help but feel excited and terrified out of my mind all at once.  Yes, perhaps we are using this time of year to fuel are weight loss goals but the truth is there has to be something therapeutic, cathartic and cleansing in the process.  So invite you reader to follow along, hold me accountable (if you want-no pressure here, I am all about holding yourself responsible to you) and laugh.  Yes, laugh at my expense, I don’t mind.  It builds character.

Let’s do this.

Yogi bear…yoga hair

One of the most difficult things for me to do is try a new physical activity in public.  i hate feeling silly and i swear that everyone has stopped what they are doing to stare at me.  I remember the first time my trainer had me try a burpee I said to her- oh it must be humbling experience day.

The truth is no matter how embarrassed or difficult the physical activity, I usually end up happy and excited about defeating it.  As self conscious as I am about my chubby body- endorphins kick in and I’m okay.

Today I was able to experience one of these challenging, uncomfortable moments.  And to add a little bit of flare, I was surrounded by mirrors.

Matthew has back issues, chronic back pain. His doctor suggested yoga or Pilates as a form of exercise.  Our gym offers yoga classes three times a week. We decided on Saturday but ran late and opted hiking instead.

This afternoon we walked into the studio.  The instructor noticed right away that we were new. I’m not sure what gave it away. It could have been the soft tummies we are both carrying or the whatthefuckarewedoing looks in our eyes.  She was nice and polite.

And so we began. She had us stretching, finding our core, our place, listening to our breathe and taking off our socks. Seriously, I really have to stare at my I un-pedicured toes. Not far. I’m here to relax.

Mirrors surrounded us and I kept focusing on the instructor. I felt like I was actually completing the poses, that is till I glanced up at the mirror. How could something that felt so right look oh so wrong?

We survived class and will definitely be back. I in the meantime will be looking for a tent or a snuggy that I can wear to class.  Or I could just wait six months before looking in the mirror (in class).

Lunes, lunes, lunes maloso

Today was both amazing and difficult.

I slept maybe three hours last night.  My mind was filled with a gazillion different thoughts and a desire to write chapters upon chapters of To-Do-Lists.  However, my exhaustion and a bought of lazyitosis kept me from getting out of bed, walking to the living room and retrieving paper and a writing utensil.  So instead, I stayed in bed and simply kept thinking.

Lack of sleep and I do not go very well together.  Needless to say, this morning required some extra special crack.  I pull into the Starbucks and inquire about the bold of the day.  All I kept thinking was “please don’t say Christmas blend. God in heaven please don’t let it be.”  Over the intercom I hear, “Komodo Dragon.”  Holy Mother of Abraham Lincoln!!!  After two months of having to hear “Thanksgiving/Christmas blend” the Gods looked down on me and said, “Here my child drink of this, your second favorite coffee ever (Casi Cielo is my absolute favorite. That is the sweet nectar of the Gods.  It’s been rumored that they use actual Cherub tears in the blend).

I’m on my way to work, singing along to my “Songs for melancholic chaotic week” mix Cd (lots of Mumford & Sons, one Lumineers song and The Pretenders).  And it hits me- I’m on complete and total autopilot.  It’s as if I had never been on vacation. I am completely going through the mentions with my work life.  There was no excitement to be back and see all the different students or co-workers.

During lunch, Matthew and I met up. We eat lunch together almost every day, unless one of us has a working lunch meeting that we can not get out of no matter what.  We work about 15 minutes away from each other, so most day’s we have maybe 20 minutes to eat and then we are on our way.  It has become this obsession that we have lunch together.  I think it might have something to do with the fact that we were not the greatest of spouses in our previous marriages so now we try extra hard to make time for each other.  At first, I thought the driving back and forth might be too much but honestly, now my day is incomplete with out our lunch time.  It’s a great way to re-energize and focus for the rest of the day.

Matthew was so excited about his Monday. He was going on and on about the great meeting he had and all the positive progress he made in just a few short hours.  As he was speaking, I found myself feeling completely jealous and angry.  He is happy in his job.  And I am not. And the worst part is that I just started this job four months ago.  It isn’t a horrible place.  I work for an amazing district.  Everyone around me is super nice and supportive and kind.  And I do not dislike what I do but I am not happy- not Matthew happy about it.

In Matthew’s voice, I could hear so much passion and an excitement to get back to work- an excitement that I have not felt in years at a place of employment.  Later in the afternoon, we were texting back and forth and Matthew asked me what we are going to do about finding something that I love to do.  I have thought about this all afternoon and I think I am going to challenge myself.

From now, or maybe from tomorrow morning till the end of February, I will:

• Give myself kudos- identify five of my best talents/skills (Being a Master of Bad ass-ery, you would think, I’d have everything figured out).
• Research different careers based on those skills. Narrow down the list to two.
• Create Steps 1-3 for moving me in that direction.

Now I’m giving myself a month and half.  I get way to distracted to give myself a deadline of January 31st.

Did I just give myself homework? Wish me luck.

Tuesday- You better be nice because Monday kicked my ass.

Monday’s aftermath.

 

The not ugly, just unflattering wedding dress.

I spent most of this afternoon rearranging our bedroom.  Matthew was sweet and helped for about five minutes till I made a snappy comment- he then found refuge in the kitchen among the dishes.  I organized our dresses, nightstands and closets.  Almost everything was complete except for Matthew’s dresser. I can not understand how someone can own so many t-shirts.  There are t-shirts from high school, 5Ks we completed, comic strip t-shirts- oh so many.  I even found the t-shirt with the sleeves cut off (seriously, why?). 

I was so excited to show Matthew everything I had accomplished (I was still annoyed by his playing of Halo 4 but that’s another story for another time).  When I opened his closet, I spotted a photo album on the very top and I thought perhaps now was the time to reveal the contents.

We are each others second marriage.  During our “courtship” we often shared stories about our past lives (although there was some overlap on my end-again for another time).  We discussed the people we were in those marriages and our expectations then and now.  It has been about nine months since we married- and fifteen months since we declared our love for each other. 

During this time I have mentioned on a few occasions that I hated the wedding dress I wore during my first wedding ceremony.  I’ve tried to describe it but was never quite able to conjure up enough adjectives to describe effectively.  That is until today, when I decided “why describe? why not show?” 

Matthew’s words, “It’s not ugly just not flattering.”  What a sweetheart.  The entire time I was cringing as we flipped the pages.  The photos were filled with lots of people that I no longer know and lots of actions.

Perhaps that is why the second time around, I chose to have a simple wedding.  Nothing fancy shmancy.  Just us at a park with our closest friends and family.  There was no reception. No first dance. No throwing of garters and bouquets.  Just lots of love and laughter. 

Where was I going with this?

Evidently there will need to be a follow up post.