Today was both amazing and difficult.
I slept maybe three hours last night. My mind was filled with a gazillion different thoughts and a desire to write chapters upon chapters of To-Do-Lists. However, my exhaustion and a bought of lazyitosis kept me from getting out of bed, walking to the living room and retrieving paper and a writing utensil. So instead, I stayed in bed and simply kept thinking.
Lack of sleep and I do not go very well together. Needless to say, this morning required some extra special crack. I pull into the Starbucks and inquire about the bold of the day. All I kept thinking was “please don’t say Christmas blend. God in heaven please don’t let it be.” Over the intercom I hear, “Komodo Dragon.” Holy Mother of Abraham Lincoln!!! After two months of having to hear “Thanksgiving/Christmas blend” the Gods looked down on me and said, “Here my child drink of this, your second favorite coffee ever (Casi Cielo is my absolute favorite. That is the sweet nectar of the Gods. It’s been rumored that they use actual Cherub tears in the blend).
I’m on my way to work, singing along to my “Songs for melancholic chaotic week” mix Cd (lots of Mumford & Sons, one Lumineers song and The Pretenders). And it hits me- I’m on complete and total autopilot. It’s as if I had never been on vacation. I am completely going through the mentions with my work life. There was no excitement to be back and see all the different students or co-workers.
During lunch, Matthew and I met up. We eat lunch together almost every day, unless one of us has a working lunch meeting that we can not get out of no matter what. We work about 15 minutes away from each other, so most day’s we have maybe 20 minutes to eat and then we are on our way. It has become this obsession that we have lunch together. I think it might have something to do with the fact that we were not the greatest of spouses in our previous marriages so now we try extra hard to make time for each other. At first, I thought the driving back and forth might be too much but honestly, now my day is incomplete with out our lunch time. It’s a great way to re-energize and focus for the rest of the day.
Matthew was so excited about his Monday. He was going on and on about the great meeting he had and all the positive progress he made in just a few short hours. As he was speaking, I found myself feeling completely jealous and angry. He is happy in his job. And I am not. And the worst part is that I just started this job four months ago. It isn’t a horrible place. I work for an amazing district. Everyone around me is super nice and supportive and kind. And I do not dislike what I do but I am not happy- not Matthew happy about it.
In Matthew’s voice, I could hear so much passion and an excitement to get back to work- an excitement that I have not felt in years at a place of employment. Later in the afternoon, we were texting back and forth and Matthew asked me what we are going to do about finding something that I love to do. I have thought about this all afternoon and I think I am going to challenge myself.
From now, or maybe from tomorrow morning till the end of February, I will:
- Give myself kudos- identify five of my best talents/skills (Being a Master of Bad ass-ery, you would think, I’d have everything figured out).
- Research different careers based on those skills. Narrow down the list to two.
- Create Steps 1-3 for moving me in that direction.
Now I’m giving myself a month and half. I get way to distracted to give myself a deadline of January 31st.
Did I just give myself homework? Wish me luck.
Tuesday- You better be nice because Monday kicked my ass.
Monday’s aftermath.
Love Junkie. 